It is strange to sit here at 33 years old and still be in the midst of becoming who I am.

Sixteen-year-old me was certain I would have life figured out by now. I imagined I would be married, have children, and live as a homemaker with a beautiful, picture-perfect life.

Life, however, really loves to throw curveballs.

I did spend ten years married. I had children. I was a homemaker. A beautiful life? I wouldn’t necessarily call it that, though there were beautiful moments woven throughout it. At 29, I completely upheaved my life with a messy, painful divorce. That is a story for another day.

Today, I just want to sit with the life I have now and reflect on how unbelievably blessed I am.

First and foremost, I am a mother to four wacky, wonderful, deeply unique children.

There is Avery, who is 14 and keeps me on my toes at all times. Dakota is 11 and fearfully and wonderfully made, with the kindest heart. Tyler is 7 and brilliantly smart, wildly sassy, and impossible not to laugh at. And my baby, Brian, is 5 and has the sweetest soul I have ever encountered.

They are my why in everything I do.

Second, I am a partner to an incredible man, my Jamie.

If you had told me on our first date, sitting across from each other in that sushi restaurant, what our relationship would eventually become, I probably would have laughed in disbelief. There was simply no way this intelligent, educated, steady, consistent man would want to do life with me — a messy single mom of four.

But he did.

And every single moment I thought would surely become a breaking point for us somehow became a building point instead.

Even now, I still look at him sometimes and tell him he is crazy for loving me and my bunch the way he does. We are not exactly a light undertaking. Yet every day, without fail, he wakes up and chooses us anyway.

Third, I am what I lovingly refer to as a “broke college kid.” And listen, 33 is not that old, okay?

In six months, I will graduate with my associate degree, and after that I’ll move on to another two years to earn my bachelor’s. It is a strange season of life to be in at my age, and if I’m honest, I struggle with that sometimes.

I get stuck in my head. I feel guilty for not financially contributing the way I wish I could. I wonder if I am doing enough.

But then I have to step back and remind myself that this season has purpose.

Right now, my job is school. My job is building a future for my family. My job is helping our home run as smoothly as possible…and honestly, managing a household of six people is no small thing.

This season also gives me something incredibly valuable: time.

Time to be present for my children. Time to deepen my relationship with Jamie. Time to grow into the woman I am still becoming.

And maybe that is what this chapter of my life is really about.

Not having it all figured out.

Just learning how to hold gratitude and growth in the same hands.